Something I've been struggling with as graduation approaches and my life changes is feeling insignificant and unimportant. I'm not writing this to get pity (in fact, I can't tell you how much I detest being pitied) or have anyone who's bored enough to read this make me feel better. I just want to talk about it.
I feel like everyone around me is so amazing and accomplishing their dreams. I have friends going to law school, medical school, nursing school, whatever other graduate school, getting internships, getting married, having kids and just progressing with their lives! Then there's me. I'm graduating, sure (which I am very proud of! don't get me wrong) but it doesn't seem like enough. I'm not one to settle for mediocrity nor am I one to let others shine bright while I sit in a dark corner. Maybe that came out wrong, but what I meant was I want to shine too. My whole life I have been the amitious, hard working girl who would do and be something great. Right now, I don't feel like I'm that girl. I still work hard and I do want to do and be something amazing but I have no idea what that is. I have never had such little direction in my life and it scares me. I have never felt so far away from the girl I always thought I was. It's really strange to think about, but I don't have a dream. I don't know what I want to do with my career. I have a vision for how I want my life and my standard of living to be. I know what I want my home to be like and the things I think are important for my children to learn. I just don't know how to get there or what I'll be doing when I get there.
One thing the Lord has asked me to work on a lot lately is patience, in so many aspects of my life. I am trying really hard to just trust in Him and let him lead my life and I think I have become a lot better in the last year. I know that if I let Him direct me, I will end up where I am supposed to and that my life will turn out the way that is best for me. It's just really, really hard.
I know I'm griping and complaining a lot right now, but I really have a good life. One of my friends pointed out to me that if we made a list of all the good things in our lives compared to the bad things, the good would very soon out weigh the bad. I completely agree. I have awesome roommates, a great apartment, wonderful friends, my family lives closer, I'm graduating from college, I am getting healthier and my body is getting stronger and more fit, Spring Break is next week, tonight is Taco Tuesday and I really am overall a very happy girl!
Sorry for the rant. It just kinda spilled out. Guess I'm stressing about life more than I think I am. Life is good though. Promise. I'll get my life figured out someday and be and doing something amazing. Just you wait and see! :)
dear alyssa,
ReplyDeletei know how you feel. i felt the very same way. i could tell you not to worry about it and just trust that it will all be fine, but as much as i (or others) say that, it doesn't make it any easier. but know that a lot of people feel that way, even if they don't seem to.
also...about patience, you will learn patience, but this is only one step in learning patience...it will continue. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. it just can be frustrating sometimes.
congrats on graduating though! it is such an exciting time! one of my favorite quotes:
wherever you are, be all there.
enjoy it!
hope you're having a good day!