Warning: This one's kind of a downer.

Something I've been struggling with as graduation approaches and my life changes is feeling insignificant and unimportant. I'm not writing this to get pity (in fact, I can't tell you how much I detest being pitied) or have anyone who's bored enough to read this make me feel better. I just want to talk about it.

I feel like everyone around me is so amazing and accomplishing their dreams. I have friends going to law school, medical school, nursing school, whatever other graduate school, getting internships, getting married, having kids and just progressing with their lives! Then there's me. I'm graduating, sure (which I am very proud of! don't get me wrong) but it doesn't seem like enough. I'm not one to settle for mediocrity nor am I one to let others shine bright while I sit in a dark corner. Maybe that came out wrong, but what I meant was I want to shine too. My whole life I have been the amitious, hard working girl who would do and be something great. Right now, I don't feel like I'm that girl. I still work hard and I do want to do and be something amazing but I have no idea what that is. I have never had such little direction in my life and it scares me. I have never felt so far away from the girl I always thought I was. It's really strange to think about, but I don't have a dream. I don't know what I want to do with my career. I have a vision for how I want my life and my standard of living to be. I know what I want my home to be like and the things I think are important for my children to learn. I just don't know how to get there or what I'll be doing when I get there.

One thing the Lord has asked me to work on a lot lately is patience, in so many aspects of my life. I am trying really hard to just trust in Him and let him lead my life and I think I have become a lot better in the last year. I know that if I let Him direct me, I will end up where I am supposed to and that my life will turn out the way that is best for me. It's just really, really hard.

I know I'm griping and complaining a lot right now, but I really have a good life. One of my friends pointed out to me that if we made a list of all the good things in our lives compared to the bad things, the good would very soon out weigh the bad. I completely agree. I have awesome roommates, a great apartment, wonderful friends, my family lives closer, I'm graduating from college, I am getting healthier and my body is getting stronger and more fit, Spring Break is next week, tonight is Taco Tuesday and I really am overall a very happy girl!

Sorry for the rant. It just kinda spilled out. Guess I'm stressing about life more than I think I am. Life is good though. Promise. I'll get my life figured out someday and be and doing something amazing. Just you wait and see! :)

Lyrics

Anyone who really knows me and music knows that I am a sucker for lyrics. I like a good beat but when it comes down to it, 9 times out of 10 the lyrics decide whether or not I like a song. Here is a song that has been on my mind and my heart for a couple days. I even made it my ringtone. I love it. My little sister Emi has been telling me to go check out this artist so I finally did and I found this song, which I had heard a couple times but didn't fall in love with til just earlier this week. My mom teases me that I am a hopeless romantic and it's true. This song makes me happy.

I'd Rather Be with You - Joshua Radin

Sitting here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve the pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say:

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too
Say you feel the way I do

Link if you want to go listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyHQQWY5FAU

Love

In an effort to not be one of those girls who is weird and bitter when they are single on Valentine's Day, I am going to post some of my current favorite love songs. Enjoy :)

Marry Me - Train
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghZt2cILcCU

She's Everything - Brad Paisley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsQmkkmDYpk

Unbelievable - Josh Gracin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpGFQABfV-Y

My parents' song: Love of My Life - Jim Brickman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYfVsVL7nIc

and the song I can't get out of my head lately! Not quite as serious as these other ones. haha
Skin and Bones - Romance on a Rocketship
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tmRwed0RnU

"The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" -Eden Ahbez

People are idiots

So this week has been really fun (as in not).

I woke up Monday unable to get out of bed because of a) how sick I felt, b) my complete lack of energy...it took me til 1 pm to go get something to eat, and c) how bad every part of my body was hurting. Tuesday (yes, my birthday, sadly) was not that much better and I figured I had the flu. Yesterday I was able to go to classes and today I still feel like poo. So I said enough is enough and I went to the doctor! Just to double check. Because really I never, ever am sick for this long. One day out, max! But two days out and then still carrying sickness? Not ok.

I tried going to my normal doctor, but as usual, she was totally booked. (Really I'm pretty sure it's a miracle I ever get in there when I need to) So for the first time in 3 1/2 years, I went to the Student Health and Wellness Center on campus. The doctor was funny. She talked to me like I didn't know anything about the body (I told her my major) or diseases ("have you been around anyone who's been sick? because illnesses like this are passed through the air or contact with a sick person"...oh really?! magical). You know what she came up with? I have influenza. Not THE flu...she made a point of saying that. Just A flu. Since it's viral, there's nothing they can do (knew that) and she told me that I'm just "going to be tired, not sleep well, be stuffy, get exhausted easily, and basically be miserable for about another week". Great. That's just what I needed to hear. But don't worry. Thanks to the fact that I am "fit and healthy" (her words, definitely not mine) I will be just fine. We don't have to worry about me dying. Awe.some. But I'm glad I got checked out and made sure there wasn't anything else wrong and that's why I still feel like death. Just have to tough it out now. At least I've stopped sounding like a man. That's nice.

On a note unrelated to me but related to health, can I just say people are total idiots. Maybe it's because I've been studying this stuff for the last 3 1/2 years, plus was raised for 18 years by the parents that I have (a little bit of health nuts...sorry Mom and Dad, but a little true. Not in a bad way of course) but it always surprises me when people are idiots about health. One of my friends posted a status about wanting to improve her health in certain ways and people were giving the most awful advice! One even told her to take her carbohydrate intake down to 20 calories a day (!!!!!!!!) and then work it back up to 120. Um WHAT?! What kind of moron are you?! 20 calories?! She can eat a cracker?! That is starvation people! Do you know what the body runs on?? and even 12o! That is just plain stupid. Moderation is what it's all about. Not saying I'm good at it but I at least know it. I'll say it again, people are idiots.

Anyway, that's my health update and soap box. Gotta go rest or...read a textbook...or real book...or do homework....or something until I go to Jennie's to watch the basketball game.

Be smart everyone!

Speak Now...

Oh, Taylor. I remember the first time I heard one of her songs and we became instant best friends, even though she doesn't know it. She has this knack for writing songs that are so real that everyone can relate on some level. Whether it's songs about love hoped for, love lost, how much she loves and appreciates her parents, telling off people who were mean to you or living for the moment and enjoying the people you love, she speaks to my soul. I know this sounds super cheesy and if you haven't rolled your eyes by now it's probably because you know what I mean. Her songs are the words I wish I could say, an expression of the emotions I don't know what to do with.

Emi got me her new CD (featured above) for Christmas (along with the Glee Christmas CD...best little sister ever?? I think so!!!) and I have listened to it at least once or twice a day since then. I love it! A couple years ago, Emi actually got to meet her (I am still kinda jealous..ok a lot jealous) but I did get an autographed picture out of it, so that was nice.


I haven't written on my blog much lately because honestly, I haven't had much to say that I either haven't already said (stressing over my future) or that I don't want to tell the world. Some things are meant to stay with me. That's what journals are for. My blog is the part of my journal I let you see.

Christmas was nice this year. It was kinda weird to be honest because my little brother is gone on his mission. I miss him a lot. It throws off the dynamic of our family to have him gone. But he's doing really well and seems to be really happy. He goes out into the field on the 3rd, so we'll see how that goes. haha Poor boy. I don't think he knows what he's gotten himself into.

Well, this is my last post of the year. haha Another corny joke, regardless of it's actual truth. I can't believe it's 2011. It's the year I graduate from college, the year I have to find a real, big girl job. Hopefully it will be a year when I experience exciting new things (maybe a trip or two...after I am making real money?). My best friend comes back from her mission this year, as does my cousin. Emi turns 16 and (theoretically starts driving). It's exciting to think about all the life adventures 2011 has in store. Can't stop it from coming, so here we go!

Killer Icicles

So with the snow and cold has come ice. Lots of it. The roads are kinda scary at times. I definitely slid on a turn as I was driving back from a friend's house last night. But sometimes I forget how pretty ice can be in the form of icicles! However, this year seems to have brought on some super intense icicle creation! There are MASSIVE icicles everywhere! I decided to share a picture of the ones outside my bedroom window.

I also took a picture of my friend Desiree standing next to one hanging off our church building that was probably bigger than us! It was truly huge!

There's only like a day and a half left of this week, then No Test Week (also known lovingly as Dead Week) and then Finals, which might kill me. On top of that, we are also in the middle of hiring for next year's A-Team. Yesterday was the last day we accepted applications, so now we have to go through all of them and decide who we want to interview. Next week we'll be conducting interviews and then the last day of Finals Week we'll post a list of who made it. Sooo much stress! I just really can't wait for the break! 3 weeks off! One of those weeks I'll get to be with my family and the other two I'll be back up in Logan working. It's going to be very needed!

It's beginning to look a lot like...

CHRISTMAS!!!!!

We put up a tree in our apartment today. It's the first tree I've had in my own place so I'm pretty stoked about it. I think it's super cute, even though it could probably use some lights. Still, I love it and it makes me so excited for Christmas and for the holiday season!

P.S. The big bad blizzard was more like just a big snow storm. Yeah, it wasn't quite the power-outage, make sure you have food and blankets kinda of an event. But still big. And I got off work early, so successful! :)

There are now 2 weeks of school left and then Finals week! Then only one semester left of college! Well, for now. Grad school to come sometime in the next couple years, but not right away.

Peace and love and blessings and stuff!